I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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