my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
