Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
