I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
