Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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