I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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