Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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