textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
