Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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