you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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