I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
