Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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