speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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