At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
