WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize