I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
