I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
