The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
