I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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