i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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