i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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