Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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