every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
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