ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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