fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
