I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
