kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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