He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
