There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
