All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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