I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
