and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
