I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
