If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
