I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
