I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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