I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
