Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
