I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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