Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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