god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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