I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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