what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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