actually, I'm a sock model
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
