y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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