YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
