He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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