you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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