If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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