just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
