I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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