I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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