Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's blow job season.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
