the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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