Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
