Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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