I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
