So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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