Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
