nut hugger
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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