im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
